


Fergalicious

by OnceABlueMoon



Series: Nano [2]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Attempted Seduction, BL is obviously a creditable source, Comedy, Crack, Everybody tries to seduce everybody, Humor, Kyoya Thinks Tetsu's Soap Opera DVD Collection Is the Herbivore Interaction Bible, M/M, Multi, Poor poor tetsuya, Seduction, Swooning, except Tetsuya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-19 10:50:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16533155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceABlueMoon/pseuds/OnceABlueMoon
Summary: ‘’I was gone for one week.One week, Kyo-san.’’~~The librarian was getting worried about the Demon of Namimori muttering to himself in the Boys Love section…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IWP_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWP_chan/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Miss- err, Mr. and Mr. Croft](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11197566) by [IWP_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWP_chan/pseuds/IWP_chan). 



> Warnings: OOC, crack, Not To Be Taken Seriously.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. 
> 
> Notes: This is based on a conversation I had with my darling co-plotter I.W.P-chan, about her (Still in progress and not posted yet) KHR Tomb Raider AU and 0027 (our OTP). Anyway, she was like: Enma’s gonna be in Resident Evil and after that, he’ll hook up with Tsuna. And I just went: POOR HIBARI! And imagined how that would go. I told her and she laughed and said it would go differently. So I asked if she minded if I wrote my original idea, and she gave permission! ^-^

It was a crisp morning in Namimori. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining and the wind rustled through the trees. Only one thing out of place was the rumble of a motorbike. Seeing as Hibari himself was _not_ on his bike, it must be someone else’s, and that was simply not allowed. Bikes were for carnivores. Everyone knew that.

Hibari flew towards the place delict, gakuran fluttering behind him, and Saw, with capital S.

“Wao.”

It was the most fergalicious boy Hibari had seen since- well, yesterday, actually. Because he’d watched Tsunayoshi dash through the school gates just on time, and that fluffy carnivore certainly made the boys go loco (It was no wonder with that behind, and Hibari had in on good authority, as he stood on top of the gate every single morning just to watch him go. It was That Biteable).

The guy at hand though, was a redhead straddling a motorbike, his leather jacket stretching across his broad shoulders. The chairman padded closer, graceful and noiseless as a jaguar.

His prey’s head snapped sideward, establishing eye contact. Hibari’s eyes widened as the corner of the redhead’s mouth lifted, amusement dancing in his wine orbs.

Hibari’s tongue slid past his incisors. He should bite the redhead, bite him good, but he… his limbs were absolutely useless, and he felt faint. He felt hot. Maybe that was it. His cheeks were draining all the blood in his head!

…Were those butterflies in his stomach?

The guy licked his lips.

The world tilted- Hibari caught himself at the last moment, his flush rushing down his neck as he clutched the wall’s edge. Knuckles white, he gritted his teeth.

The guy laughed loudly and drove off.

Nobody laughed at a carnivore! Hibari should bite him to death, but… His stomach turned upside down. He pressed his hands to his hot cheeks, eyes wide. What was this feeling? Could it be? No. Tetsuya, expert on Social-Interaction-and-Other-Things-Kyo-san-Is-Inept-At, said one swooned for only one fluffy carnivore and Hibari was already stalking Tsunayoshi.

…But what if he liked them BOTH?

Hibari smirked. Possible. Tetsu based his beliefs on Herbivores. Kyoya was obviously doing the natural thing and EVOLVING like a Carnivore should!

Wait- Did Fergalicious even live in Namimori?

…If he didn’t, Hibari would _make_ him. It was difficult to carry your bride off when you didn’t know where they lived, after all.

Now. What was his name?

* * *

His name, as it turned out, was Kozato Enma and he was fourth-degree fergalicous- speaking on burn scale degrees, of course. There was just no treating it, unless you considered amputation an option.

As a Carnivore, Hibari was evolving. Sadly, one of his two intended, Sawada Tsunayoshi, had grown up around herbivores and would likely not be as quickly driven towards evolution. So no matter how annoying it was, Hibari would need to ease him into it and to do that, he needed a Plan. Normally, Tetsu was in charge of the planning, but it couldn’t be all that difficult, right?

* * *

Bursting in and screaming: ‘’WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!’’ failed, even in combination with: ‘’POLKA DOT UNDERWEAR IS CUTE.’’ Things had escalated and... He probably needed to do some research.

* * *

‘’I need a book on seducing men.’’

‘’Aisle three, honey.’’

Shoving the dictionary back into the right shelf, the librarian sighed and looked up. Maybe finding out what guy would visit that section would relieve her boredom a bit?

She peered around the corner of the bookshelves. Hmm… At the reading tables? Yes, there, a dark head bowed over a small volum- Wait. Was that-

Oh god, no.

She had made a mistake.

* * *

‘’Don’t believe him, Mika! He’s actually your older childhood best friend who once promised to marry you when he thought you were a girl! This is all just a phase- he’s in denial of his true, heart-stopping feelings for you! It was DESTINED! Plus, he was totally checking out your butt a few panels ago! Bite him to death for lying to you!’’

…The librarian was getting worried about the Demon of Namimori muttering to himself in the Boys Love section…

Her friends would _never_ believe this!

* * *

Hibari’s next attempt would take place in his office. After thoroughly researching relationships (especially in the gay spectrum), polygamy and several other topics, using only the best resources available, he was certain he was ready.

He had been approaching it from the wrong angle all along. His research made clear there were two types: the seme and the uke. Hibari was a prime example of a seme type- older, taller and a carnivore. But both his intended were also carnivores and he was certain that was where the problem lay.

Hibari did not mind getting creative with the courting, though, so here he was, clad in traditional uke-garb: an oversized shirt and boxers. He was proud of it. He had swiped the shirt from Kusakabe’s closet, but he had slid it off his shoulder himself with the expertise of a learned man!

Patting himself on the shoulder, he told his subordinates to call Tsunayoshi to his office.

(They were gaping at him with wide eyes. Hibari would bite them to death for it later, lest he mess up his outfit now. Plus, perhaps they might even learn something from it. The committee needed more carnivorous members desperately).

* * *

‘’Kusakabe, I need you to come back from Italy as soon as possible!’’ Tsuna hissed into his phone, looking around frantically.

‘’Did something happen to Kyo-san?’’

‘’Did something happen?! DiD SomEThinG HaPPeN?! He was wearing only a shirt, sitting on his desk and it would have been cute _if he wasn’t batting his eyelashes like he was trying to murder flies with them and pouting like his bottom lip was fish size whale!’’_

‘’…I’ll look what I can do.’’

‘’You better!’’

…Kyoya had looked good in those clothes. Shame he went and ruined it with the attitude. Now… If he could be tricked into wearing it and acted a little more natural… The confusion would be hopelessly adorable.

Tsuna had Plans to make.

* * *

Hibari had conversed with Tetsu over the phone, who had advised him to take a more traditional approach to courting.

It was strange, since Tetsu had blacklisted the traditional courting approach right away when Hibari started stalking Tsunayoshi, but perhaps he had since evolved a little and seen the light.

Hibari was on his way to victory, little animals included.

* * *

Throwing the last thug onto the pile, Hibari neatly placed a box of chocolates on top. Walking away a little to see the end result as a whole, he was quite satisfied with it. Putting roses between the teeth of bruised and broken criminals might not have been the traditional method, but Mrs Yagino, his neighbour, had assured him that flowers were the way to go when it came to courting.

And seeing as Mrs Yagino and her wife had thirty plus grandchildren, Hibari was inclined to believe her methods must have worked somehow. Maybe roses spread pheromones? That would explain it. Now he thought about it, hadn’t Tetsu mentioned something about flowers too some time ago?

Never mind. For herbivores, Mrs Yagino and Tetsu had their uses.

Nodding at the stack of bodies, Hibari walked up to the door of the Sawada residence and rung the bell. He quickly perched in a nearby tree, with an unobstructed view of the house.

The door swung open, Tsunayoshi walked out, bumped against the pile, looked down and sighed.

…Was the attempt not successful?

Hibari should’ve known not to trust 80-year-old ladies. They were carnivores by nature and he should have been prepared for their efforts to get rid of the competition!

‘’’Look what the cat dragged in.’’ …The baby carnivore could at least have sounded a bit more enthusiastic!

Wait- Who was Tsunayoshi talking to?

Oh.

OH!

Broad shoulders, broad mouth, red hair and ENGULFED in a huge, green sweater, was Fergalicious. Erm. Kozato Enma.

‘’Are those _bodies_?’’ …Tall fluff’s voice was shrill. Hibari had not expected that.

A thug groaned and Hibari was fully prepared to jump down in order to kick him when Tall Fluff went _crazy._ Whipping guns out of- Hibari would have to investigate how the little animal managed to strap a gun down _there_ later- the man began to shoot, bullets only short from their mark because Small Fluff had jumped on top of him and was wrestling the gun away.

‘’’WAS THAT A ZOMBIE?!’’

‘’No, Enma, it WASN’T!’’

Hibari’s intended had tried to shoot his present. Hibari’s intended handled a lethal weapon. Hibari’s mates were already familiar with each other and _handling weapons together._

Hibari was _in love._

* * *

Seeing as at least one of his intended had grown up as Herbivore, Hibari really should do some more research as to their background. Especially since Tsuna seemed to be misunderstanding Hibari’s Carnivore advances. The answer to this, of course, was clear.

Watch the Bible of Social Interaction- Tetsu’s collection of soap opera DVD’s!

While some thought Herbivore socialization was spread via osmosis, Hibari knew the truth. It was the soap opera that taught the Herbivores. They watched it each night at 8 o’clock and it was the well of their societal ideas outside of Carnivores. Therefore, it was an excellent source for Hibari to immerse himself into both Herbivore culture and Herbivore mating rituals.

Breaking into Tetsu’s apartment again (this time via the window, because using keys was silly and Hibari had something to prove after Hibird got chatty), he made himself comfortable in front of the TV. Popping the first DVD into the DVD player, he got ready for a long night of watching and planning.

* * *

Somewhere, far away in Italy, Tetsuya suddenly remembered a conversation between his parents from when he was very little.

They’d lived beside the Hibari’s since before his birth, but that certainly did not mean that they always agreed with them, as the conversation had explained. It’s subject, just like many in the future, had been Kyo-san.

‘’Dear,’’ his father had said, ‘’Should we call the police on the Hibari for child endangerment? They’re training it like a beast.’’

‘’Darling,’’ his mother answered from behind her paper, ‘’It’s the _Hibari._ They _are_ the police. And don’t call it an it. It’s a he.’’

‘’Oh,’’ his father had said, putting breakfast down on the table, ‘’I thought for sure it was a girl.’’

Later Tetsuya had realized just how much of a socially awkward duckling (or… Goose? Goose were more vicious) Kyo-san was and had taken him under his wings. Once, Kyo-san had asked him why interacting with Herbivores was so hard.

Tetsuya hadn’t had the heart to tell him that it wasn’t just Herbivores Kyo-san had a hard time interacting with; Let alone that the reason why was because his parents had fucked him up royally. That social interaction was something you learned from your parents, and then, later on, from your peers. Why he was suddenly thinking of this now, he had no idea, but once in a while these feelings just c _ame_ to him.

Shivering, he went about his business as quick as possible.

* * *

Hibari had studied the ways of the soap opera with great zeal and force, and now he was ready! Ready to burst through Tsunayoshi’s window and make a dramatic declaration that would make Tsunayoshi run straight into his arms!

There he went! Bursting through the window, he started his speech before he even landed on the ground properly, glass raining all around him. He had it on good authority that it would be more dramatic than a door, and drama was the key to soap opera magic if the DVD’s were to be believed.

''I will never forget you Tsunayoshi, but I have found a new flame! We will be happy together forever and ride off to the sunset! Don't be jealous, but be jealous and- Hey! That's my future boyfriend you're kissing!''

…Okay, so at first Hibari had had some doubts concerning the whole soap opera magic thing, but clearly it was working because there was the shocking revelation, just as the soap opera predicted. Tsunayoshi and Kozato Enma, macking on each other in the middle of _Hibari’s living room._

Well, Tsunayoshi’s living room, but Hibari was in it, so that was kind of the same.

Separating his mouth from Enma’s, Tsunayoshi looked up, eyes heavy-lidded and lips swollen. ‘’I’m _all f_ or you going after Enma. Please do. Though I’m kind of put out that the game’s gonna be over so soon.’’

Enma slapped his chest, his ears getting red. ‘’Don’t say that! I was having way too much fun with teasing him and stringing you along!’’

Tsunayoshi frowned. ‘’Teasing him? But I was trying so hard to seduce you both!’’

Enma giggled. ‘’You seriously had no idea? Oh, this is beautiful!’’

Tsuna gasped, poking Enma in his side, attempting to tickle him. ‘’You were just _pretending_ to be obvious to my seduction attempts? Enma, I licked like twenty popsicles in the last four days in order to seduce you, not to mention all the bending over I did! My ass is my best asset, you know!’’

Enma, now full out laughing and trying to get away from the grabby fingers, pointed back. ‘’So I knew you had a plan. So? I was having a good time watching you and Hibari make fools of yourselves! Obliviousness is a great seduction technique!’’

‘’My ASS, Enma! You must be blind!’’

‘’I wore leather continuously for days, Tsuna, and you didn’t notice! Do you know how annoying that is after a few hours? Nobody does that willingly without a purpose!’’

Hibari, whose soap operas had educated him well, butted in: ‘’Well, _my_ uke performance was ignored AND you didn’t appreciate my classic gift in the form of flowers, chocolates and bodies left on your doorstep!’’

He was ignored completely.

"You were the one not getting the hint!" Tsuna poked Enma in the chest.   
  
Enma, sensing a lost fight, crossed his arms and turned to Hibari. "Well, what does Kyoya have to say for himself?"  
  
Hibari nodded earnestly. "I’m sorry. I should have trusted you, as carnivores, to defy your herbivore upbringing. It is obvious you found your way to evolution yourself."   
  
Tsuna groaned. "You’re lucky you’re hot."   
  
"I agree. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have courted mates such as yourself."   
  
Tsuna’s mouth fell open and Enma blushed to the roots of his hair. Then they looked at each other.  
  
"Did he just?"  
  
"Yeah, he did."   
  
"Damnit. Forget the plan- we’re bagging him now."

  
"Yes, sir!"

* * *

Tetsuya came home to an apartment with a ruined window lock, garments everywhere but in his closet, and a wrecked DVD collection because Kyo-san is a Toddler Who Needs To Supervision. And has two boyfriends now, apparently. Then again, toddlers had boyfriends too, sometimes, just minus the sexy times.

…Tetsuya was now wondering whether he r _eally has to_ give Kyo-san the talk about the bird and the bees. Deep in his heart, he had already resigned himself, but sometimes… Sometimes he wondered when he would get a re _al_ vacation. Or retirement. Retirement sounded good.

This was why the disciplinary committee needed three hours for their hair- after dealing with Kyo-san, they were able to say that at least their hair was still awesome.

Still. ‘’I was gone for one week. _One week, Kyo-san.’’_


	2. I Wanna Be Carnivorous!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Disciplinary Committee gets a theme song, and it drives Tetsuya mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn, nor Lion King the Musical. 
> 
> The song ''I just can't wait to be carnivorous'' is a parody on I Just Can't Wait to be King

It was a terrible day when Hibari decided to teach the Disciplinary Committee to be carnivores. To Tetsuya’s ever-growing horror, Hibari had decided the committee members were to be trained just like his birds, so he had them singing songs. Songs about murderous intentions, and Tetsuya was too late to correct them. That didn’t mean, however, that he didn’t try.

Ah, there they were, singing their hearts out.

‘’I'm gonna be a carnivore  
So enemies beware,’’

….Did they think that was all they needed to be intimidating?

‘’Well, I've never seen a king of beasts

Singing such a sad affair.’’

The committee members ignored him.

‘’I'm gonna be the maniac  
Like no carnivore before.  
I'm brushing up on looking down,  
I'm working on my roar.’’

Again, Tetsuya tried to discourage them. ‘’Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing.’’ Which was true, to be said the least. It was less scary than the roars that little kid Sawada always dragged around gave when he cried.

  
‘’Oh, I can't wait to be carnivorous!’’ The committee threw in some part-singing.

  
‘’You've rather a long way to go  
Young members, if you think-‘’

And then they began doing a _dance choreography._

‘’No one saying, "Do this"  
No one saying, "Be there"

No one saying, "Stop that"

No one saying, "See here"

  
‘’Now see here!’’ Tetsuya finally managed to get through.

‘’Free to patrol all day!’’

  
‘’Well, that's definitely out.’’

  
‘’Free to do it all my way.’’

Tetsuya had had enough. He put his foot down!

‘’I think it's time that you and I  
Arranged a heart to heart.  
Carnivores don't need advice  
From little hornbills for a start!

If this is where the committee is headed,  
Count me out  
Out of service, out of Namimori,  
I wouldn't hang about!

These children are getting wildly out of wing!’’

And proving just how wildly out of wing they were, the Committee ignored him and danced on.  
‘’Oh, I just can't wait to be carnivorous!

Everybody look left!  
Everybody look right!  
Everywhere you look I'm  
Standing with murderous intentions!’’

‘’Not yet!’’

‘’Let every carnivore go for broke and sing,  
Let's hear it in all of Namimori!   
It's gonna be the party of carnivores!

Oh, I just can't wait to be carnivorous  
Oh, I just can't wait to be carnivorous  
Oh, I just can't wait to be carnivorous!’’

The song ended up being the unofficial official theme song of the Disciplinary Committee, and Tetsuya really hoped it made Kyo-san happy. Not because it made the members any more carnivorous, but because then at least _one_ person was enjoying this musical hell!

**Author's Note:**

> This is for I.W.P-chan, my enabler and beloved co-plotter!
> 
> On the best sources available- never assume this means that they’re good sources. Just look at Hibari XD
> 
> Also, Kyoya was very much wrong- in this verse Tsuna did not grow up surrounded by herbivores, and Nana is not a herbivore besides, as her sharpening her knives in the kitchen might make some clearer for him. ;P
> 
> I have a small omake on the disciplinary committee that I might post if people are interested!


End file.
